Week 4 of classes was the best so far I thought. We spoke about how our lives would change once our babies arrived, not only as a couple but also as individuals.

To kick it off, the boys and girls broke up into gender-based groups and wrote down their thoughts on butcher’s paper. Lucky me got to be scribe for the boys and as it turned out, the wifey was girl scribe. I hope we’re not becoming one of those couples who have to dominate whatever group they’re in, but to be fair we were assigned our duties by the lady leading the class so that made it ok :)

Our task was to list things that we thought we would be saying ‘goodbye to’ and things we thought we’d be saying ‘hello’ to. Some of the goodbyes were to spontaneous nights out, sleep ins, lazy Sundays, etc, and some of the hellos were to sleepless nights, children’s entertainment, drawings on the fridge, baby-speak and so on. Week 5 saw us learn about the different ways to prepare a baby for sleep, including wraps and blankets and that type of thing.

To be honest most of the last two classes was reinforcing some common sense but it was great to hear it said out loud, helped confirm we were ready and up to the task. As the last few minutes of our final class passed by, I began to wonder who among us would experience childbirth first. From memory there were two or three couples who were due before us but I couldn’t remember who they were.

As we walked out of the classroom for the last time, there was a bit of an air of excitement; we were all looking forward to becoming parents and nobody seemed freaked out or concerned about being unable to do things properly – I guess that is the major aim of the classes so in that case, they worked!

The coming few weeks will be just waiting around and seeing when our boy comes along, I’m expecting him to be early but I don’t know if that’s just optimism…

After the “shock and awe” approach taken by our teacher last week, I was a little nervous about the methods that breastfeeding was being taught and spoken about. I half-expected I would walk in and see a woman up the front, breast flopped out and ready to get going – but I soon learned it was only going to be a video in week 3, and sighed with relief.

The next couple of hours saw me hear all about the best way to connect nipples and mouths. It’s strange, I would have expected more guffaws and boob jokes from a room full of nervous men but I am pleased to report that we all listened closely and even sympathised with our partners when the topic of sore/swollen nipples came up. I guess I’m not the only one whose been burned by a stray woollen jumper.

I also learned another valuable lesson at this class – Today Tonight can occasionally contain some valuable stories. I know, I’m shocked to hear me think it too. Turns out they lead the charge on exposing some baby bottles that had too-high levels of some plastic contaminant in hard plastic bottles and so we were advised which brand/s to avoid. Never knew there was so much in it, it’s not just a bottle and a teat!

Whilst the women all had special things for them to learn, about placement, maternity bras and so on, we blokes weren’t left out. We learned something pretty cool – burping! It was revealed that burping is pretty crucial, as well as cool. Apparently sitting your child up and rubbing its back helps, more the sitting than the rubbing though. We had dolls and got to practice how we’d sit them up and cuddle them. I was at once embarrassed and delighted to be playing with a baby doll.

The next couple of weeks sound pretty interesting, they’ll look at bringing baby home and settling into life as a family. Our class leader said next week there will be more DVDs, though this time they’re about being a dad – can’t wait!

Labour... it's no walk in the park!

Class 2 was all about ‘alternative’ deliveries. The title had me expecting all sorts of means of birthing – water births at home, Indian and Aboriginal corrobboree-type ceremonies and so on. But in this context, as I was to discover, ‘alternative’ pretty much means anything other than ‘straightforward and easy as pie’ delivery, which is pretty much all of them so I’m learning.

And it also turns out that I hadn’t gotten off lightly on the gruesome video front at all.

This week we were treated to a lovely 80s production that told the story of Barry and his wife, who were expecting their first child and had all sorts of grand plans of a ‘no drugs or pain relief, at one with nature please’ scenario, until Mrs. Barry (I can’t remember her name now) ran into some trouble and was in quite a bit of pain. She then had an epidural and heaved a sigh of relief. The gruesome bit though, is that it is apparently quite ‘normal’ for the woman to be literally stretched to the limit and either:

• Tear a little
• Need a bit of a cut made so she has more flexibility.

WHAT?! How can tearing and cutting be normal?! I know that giving birth means extracting a sizeable object from a narrow opening, but shit! So Barry’s wife was one such women who needed some relief in the tension stakes, and had a small cut made. And we saw all of it! I began to get a sore vagina right there and then, despite not actually having one.

There was a bit more gross to come however. The video was made in the 80s and I’m lead to believe that in those days women placed a lower premium on putting their best foot forward, in a grooming the pubic hair sense. Mrs. Barry was au naturale, so a baby’s head pushing through made a pretty interesting sight, much like a cat jumping through a hedge, or being on a ladder and looking down at Jesus wearing a crown of thorns. You get the idea…

We were treated to a tour of the birthing suite and maternal wards at the hospital. For public health patients, we did choose a good hospital I think, everything looks pretty comfortable. There are some suites that have a double bed, where the father can stay in hospital with the mother. We’ve decided not to go down that path for a few reasons, mostly so that mother and child can spend their nights together and get into a feeding cycle easier, and also because while I will spend a fair chunk of time there with my wife and our child, there will be things that need to be done at home in readiness and so on.

Next week we learn all about feeding baby, which I’m actually looking forward to as while I know what is involved, I’m a little clueless on the quantity and frequency side of things at this stage.

Learning about childbirth together

Last night we checked off an item on the ‘things to do before the kid comes’ list that I’d been looking forward to for a while – we started our antenatal classes at the hospital.

Firstly, I still don’t actually know what they’re called – some say antenatal/prenatal/parenting/baby classes. Antenatal sounds a bit worse than the others to me, though the hospital’s seminar room door said ‘antenatal’ though so I guess we’ll go with that.

We were lucky enough to be able to go to one that is after work on Wednesday nights, meaning we can both, more easily, go each week (I would have done whatever I had to though). Driving there was a bit strange, I didn’t know whether to expect a bit of a ‘sit in a circle and share experiences’ type thing, or more of a ‘listen to the teacher and do your homework’ arrangement. Walking into the room, I could see two semi-circles of chairs and a table up the front, with a TV already primed for a good old PowerPoint presentation. I had been warned by some friends at work that there would be videos, gruesome videos, and I wondered if tonight would proffer such an experience…

A couple of steps into the door, a lady called out and asked us to write our name on some stickers, pop them on our jumpers and take a seat. We did just that and waited a minute or so before the lady started speaking and filling us in on what lay ahead. We would be having five classes, covering the topics of Labour, Feeding, Caring for Baby, Taking Baby home and something else I can’t quite recall (good start huh). I glanced around the room and of the 15 or so women, there were 14 men as well, only one woman was by herself. I wondered whether even five years ago, men would have been so well represented?

We then had to go around the group, introduce ourselves and give two pieces of information: the mothers had to say what they enjoyed about pregnancy so far, and how many weeks they were; the fathers had to say when the babies were due and what they were looking forward to. This all went fairly smoothly and then it happened – the groundwork for the first ‘Blokey Dad Joke’ was laid. One guy said his baby was due on AFL Grand Final Day, and seemed quite amused by it. A few moments later, after we heard about the stages of pregnancy (more on that later), the teacher (for want of a better word) asked when the best times to come into hospital were. This man chimed in with, “When the Grand Final’s over!”, to some guffaws from others and a roll of the eyes from his wife. Was pretty funny, and I was glad I hadn’t made the first silly comment!

I never realised there were so many stages of pregnancy! In all the movies you see, the process is basically that the waters break in a public place and then you drive like a maniac to the hospital, making it just in time. In real life however, you waters don’t always break, and even then you “calmly” call the hospital and inform them that things have started. Yep, started: the whole thing ‘usually’ takes 12-24 hours! Ouch. Not that I should complain. Apparently you monitor the time between, and of, contractions, and pretty much go about your normal business until the contractions are 3-5 minutes apart. Then you ring the hospital again and inform them that you are “going to start making your way in”. Like a salmon swimming upstream, really…

Once at the hospital, you check into a birthing suite and then for the next however long, the man’s job is to keep his wife calm and relaxed, play music, burn candles and rub her shoulders and tummy with massage things and pretty much ignore all insults and crushed hands that you get during the contractions. I made a mental note to remind my wife to cut her nails as we get closer – no stitches in these hands thanks!

Then came a part I was warned about – a video! We were played a short video, showing 3 women who opted for the natural birth, using a technique known as Lamaze. Sadist, for mine. The vision wasn’t real graphic thankfully, so I counted myself lucky and thankful for not having to see too much hurties.

It was a pretty informative session and I got a lot out of it, especially knowing the stages and timing of it all. I’m pleased I learned this beforehand and wasn’t expecting things to start and finish in a few hours, as it sounds like those quick births are pretty rare indeed.

Labour II next week, ‘alternative births’. Hopefully no video of a caesarean.